#1 - How I Lost Faith in Religion

This is the first in a series of blogs about religion. Before I begin I would like to state that I am an Agnostic in the fact that I do not believe that we can prove or disprove God, but Atheist in the fact that I do not worship any omnipotent god... I'm also a Satanist (not to be confused with Satan Worshipers), because I believe that in this mortal existence I am my own God.

I guess I should give a introduction as to why I am so fascinated by the concept of God, religion and faith. I was born an atheist just as everyone else is. I was baptized and indoctrinated into a protestant church by my mother and father. I spent the first ten years of my life believing that God was, without a doubt, real. I also believed that everyone in the world believed the same thing.

When I was 11 I discovered that there was no such thing as Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny. Logically the next thing that ran through my mind was "Does that mean the same applies for God?" I had been lied to by my parents about Santa and the Easter Bunny, so what was to say Christianity wasn't a big lie as well.

I was a creationist and a homophobe at first, but as I learned about Evolution and the big bang, and as I realized that I had sexual attraction to both males and females, I realized that i needed to start thinking more logically.

I was probably a deist for all that time, though I originally thought I was an atheist, being that i was so young. A couple times I told my mom that I had doubts about the Christian God but she retorted with info on near death experiences (I now know there is a scientific explanation for these... and also that no one gets into heaven until judgment day, according to the Holy Bible)... which just made me even more religiously confused.

Lets fast forward to March 2007, about one year ago. I don't know what happened here but my logical shield cracked at this time... probably because I desired truth.... Two Mormon missionaries came to my door and talked to me and my friend about Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon... Sadly... I believed, or wanted to believe, what they dished out and was Baptized into the LDS faith within two weeks. My friend urged me not to but I was too stubborn to listen to him.

I was happy for a while, but then another good friend of mine got me thinking... "I'm a Transvestite and Bisexual... would these people really accept me if they knew that?" I also started reading the bible... something I did not do in my youth. The old testament disgusted me to the core. Rape, Religious Intolerance, Genocide, Slavery, Sexism... they where all condoned or demanded by the hypocritical and jealous Yahweh. I talked to the missionaries about this and they said "Well we don't know why God allowed these things but we're sure that it was part of his plan." Some plan... At this moment my logical shield began to reform itself. I told the missionaries that I was bisexual... and they said "Well... we know its not a choice but don't do it anyway." WTF?!

I began researching Mormonism and within 3 weeks of looking through hidden Mormon doctrine, praying to God, and reading forbidden "anti-Mormon" material, I came to the conclusion that the church couldn't possibly be true... and never returned.

At this point, while I was still thinking logically I came needy of spiritual growth and tried out other religions, like Paganism and Islam... And since Jesus seamed like less of a prick than his dad I tried out some less extreme forms of Christianity too... Only to realize it was just as much crock as everything else (I still believe that Jesus was a real man... a wise and respectable philosopher, even to the point that his picture is still up on my wall... I just don't believe he's the Son of God.). After Christianity I just gave up on practicing spirituality and decided that religion was a fraud and that it was impossible to comprehend or prove God.. I also decided that if whatever I want to aspire to do or be is within my own power, not the power of some being that doesn't even answer my prayers.

And thats the stand I'm at now... I still study up on different religions hoping that maybe I might find one that will click... but so far they all seam absurd. My parents, as much as i love them (but don't necessarily respect them), are quite ignorant individuals and are not too supportive of my decision to take this path. My mom thinks i flip flop between religions too often and that faith in a god is essential (then again she also thinks that Christmas is exclusively a Christian holiday and that Buddhism isn't a religion)... but honestly, Is that wrong? This is my eternal soul on the line here so I have to do what feels right... and the only way to do that is to learn all I can about religion and God...

Personally I believe that I'm going to be an Agnostic for the rest of my life... at most I'd become a deist... and even thats unlikely. I'll never become a pure atheist because I feel its just a logical that there be a creating force in this universe as there is for there not to be one. Its a 50/50 chance really.

Well I guess this wraps up this essay... Next time I will be doing an introduction on Atheism, Theism, Deism and Agnosticism, just to get warmed up for topics ahead.

Manu Out!